Harry Potter and the Book Six From Hell
by EllaWeasley
Summary: My take on the sixth book... if JK had way too much to drink before starting. Jokes will include, but not limited to "weighing of the wands" "Seriously sirius" Harry saying "me, date Hermione! I'm not Oedipus!" and much much more. Please RR


Harry Potter and the Book Six from Hell (AKA the depths of my imagination)  
  
*A/N: this idea came to me at 3:14 in the morning, I would like to say I started it 15 sec. into 3:14... but life doesn't always coincide with pi, now does it. Anywho, this is a parody of the still unwritten (damn JK and her inability to write, edit, and publish 200 pages a week!) sixth Harry Potter book. Enjoy!*  
  
Disclaimer: None of this is mine... in fact, not even the computer is, I stole that from a small child in Zimbabwe. Oh, well, he and JK can go be angry at me together if they mind.   
  
Ch. 1: Poking the author or a Rather Tipsy JK  
  
Harry Potter was sitting alone in a white abyss, humming something that wasn't quite a song, didn't really make sense, and was actually quite painful to listen to. Suddenly Ron popped into the blank space next to him. "Woah!" Ron said, grinning lopsidedly. "What a trip, man... that's the best acid I've ever had!"   
  
Harry looked up at him and said "you're not on acid, man. This is the blank page from our sixth year. It's not written yet, so I guess we just have to sit here and wait until JK gets her lazy ass to work."  
  
Ron looked confused, as everything took him a little longer to process than normal people. Suddenly he understood, though, and he showed this to Harry by grinning lopsidedly again. Harry looked at Ron oddly, then asked "Ron, what's up with your mouth?"  
  
Ron replied "oh, that, I had a stroke yesterday, so I can only smile one side of my mouth now."  
  
Harry nodded and said "oh, well, that sucks." Then he went back to humming the same heart wrenching, eardrum breaking song which actually consisted more of panting than real notes. Ron covered his ears and moaned to himself. "Harry!!!! Are you singing Brittany Spears?!?!"   
  
"Sorry, Ron," Harry said, looking ashamed "I'm just a slave for the catchy pop lyrics and the huge money making schemes used by the corporate executives who write her songs. I'll stop now."  
  
Ron looked relieved when Harry did, true to his word, stop humming. Unfortunately this left only blank white backgrounds and silence. Suddenly another pop sounded around them. Harry and Ron looked blankly at each other, until they were both hit rather unceremoniously on the head by a girl with bushy hair and a huge pile of books in her arms. While this begs the question of how she hit both of them with her arms full, well, I bet you were wondering why Harry's Dad came out of the wand first, or why Fred and George are deaf and dumb in the movies. Some questions we'll just never know the answer to. Anyway, Harry looked up at the girl and recognition dawned on his face. Ron, meanwhile, was taking longer than Harry (again) and still trying to figure out why his head hurt. "Hermione!" Harry yelled.   
  
Ron looked startled, and stared at Hermione in disbelief. Hermione gave Harry a friendly, very brother-sisterly hug, then blushed and stammered out "h...h...hi Ro.. Ro... Ron. I DON'T LIKE YOU LIKE THAT! I mean, its nice to see you!"   
  
Ron scratched his head, feeling very confused about what Hermione had just said, but then decided it didn't mean anything and forgot about it.   
  
"So," Hermione said, opening three books and reading and noting them simultaneously, "you guys are here too? We really need to get JK to start writing more. I think I'm going to DIE if I don't get my OWL results soon!"  
  
Harry looked intrigued at this. "Yeah, we really do need to find some way to get her into action. How about we do something really stupid that I'm sure is our only hope. Hmm... jumping off a cliff sounds dangerous enough."  
  
Ron stood up looking confused, yet determined. "Harry, I'm coming with you."  
  
"No, Ron, you can't. This is my problem."  
  
"Harry, I'm coming whether you like it or not."  
  
"Oh, all right Ron. But you're going first so it anything bad happens you'll get hurt and not me."  
  
"Sounds fair..."  
  
At this Hermione looked up from one of her now seven books, Hopelessly advanced Transfiguration for the Impossibly Smart, and said "Come on you guys. There's no need for a death-defying stunt... yet, anyway. Right now lets go see JK and make her start writing book six.  
  
At this the three friends got under the invisibility cloak (not because they didn't want to be seen; it was really more of a habit by now) and went to find Mrs. Rowling.   
  
"There she is!!!" Hermione said triumphantly, pointing towards a hole in the white background. On the other side JK Rowling was visible, clutching a wine glass and staring amelessly into a lit fire place. "Um... excuse me, Mrs. Rowling. May we have a word with you?" Hermione asked politely.  
  
"Whatcho waaaaant?" JK slurred. Obviously it was not her first glass of wine.   
  
"We were just wondering if you could get around to writing the next book. Only, it's getting rather boring sitting here doing nothing." Hermione asked sweetly.  
  
"Woah!!!!" Apparently JK had just realized who she was talking to, for she had promptly fallen off the couch, spilling her wine. She started batting wildly at the air in front of her, as though to ward off something evil. "Whaaaat arrre you doing herrre? You not real... not real... not real..."   
  
At this JK rolled herself up into a fetal position and was rolling back and forth underneath the hole the three kids were looking out of. Hermione looked worriedly over at the others, then tentatively reached an arm through the hole and poked JK. Mrs. Rowling stopped for a moment, then went back to whimpering. Soon Harry and Ron had joined Hermione in her poking efforts. It seemed to be helping a bit, for JK had stopped rocking and mumbling to herself. All of a sudden she jumped up and yelled "FINE, I'LL START THE NEXT BOOK! JUST STOP ALL THE *wand weighing* POKING." (*indicates censored word replaced by something from the books so you can figure out what I mean*)   
  
Harry, Ron, and Hermione looked shocked at the harsh words that had come out of the authors mouth. JK continued, seeing their horrified expressions. "OH, COME ON YOU BLOODY PRUDES. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT YOU CAN SHOVE IT UP *Uranus*" JK turned menacingly towards Ron. "COME ON, RON. YOU SHOULD BE USED TO THIS BY NOW. YOU KNOW THAT ALL YOUR BROTHERS HAVE *used their wands to duel with someone* YOU HAD TO HAVE HEARD BILL AND FLEUR UP IN THE ATTACK. YOU KNOW *the goul in the attic; banging on the pipes and groaning  
  
Ron looked sick, and JK laughed evilly before leaning over to throw up in a trash can. Then she straightened herself out, grabbed a pen, and turned to face to now emotionally destroyed teens through the hole. "HA !!!!! I'LL WRITE YOUR *Merlin cursed* BOOK! I'LL DO IT NOW! BUT YOU MIGHT NOT LIKE WHAT YOU GET!!!!" Then JK grabbed some Paper and furiously wrote down Harry Potter and the Book Six from Hell. Harry, Ron and Hermione looked at each other with stricken expressions on their faces. All three were thinking the same thought, what had they done this time? Suddenly a roaring wind ripped in-between them, knocking them away from the hole they had been looking into. Things started appearing around them, melting into the white walls. Harry saw a dragon whiz overhead as the inside of the leaky cauldron started to grow to his left. Suddenly he, Ron, and Hermione were hurtling away from each other. Then, with a snap, everything went dark. Harry sat up, startled, in his bedroom at the Dursleys. 


End file.
